January 25, 2011

Ever have a tough day and you just don't know why? That was the kind of the day I have had. No reason to whine and complain, yet I feel so discontent. Some of it is discontentment with myself and how I don't always like what I see when I take a hard look at myself. There are things I'd like to change about myself but change is so slow to come. Dying to self seems like an impossible dream that will always be just out of reach.

God...I'm so tired. I need You. Take control.

January 24, 2011

What a difference a little break from walking in reality does for you. Went to California for four days with no access to internet so I couldn't write in my blog and I couldn't check work emails. It actually allowed me some time to just not think about work and personal stresses. The very break I needed. Got to focus on the goodness of God and how He works in another part of the world than mine. How we take for granted the beauty of His creation. The mountains and the ocean were both visited on this trip and they were both beautiful. It is amazing how connected I feel to God when I am out in nature like that. I didn't have any grand revelations or anything but I just noticed how easily my mind goes to the things of God when I am outside like that.

I am ready for changes in my spiritual life. As I have been saying from the beginning of this year, I believe this is a year of surrender. A long time coming...I know better than anyone...but I do believe it is happening a bit at a time. God never waves his magic wand over me and...poof...I am changed. It never works that way for me. I have to be engaged in the changing by dying. Hard concept to swallow and even harder to activate.

It is so easy to get caught up in the temporary things of life that steal our time and often our joy. The flesh is like a dry sponge, eager to soak up anything that is contrary to God as though it gives it new purpose. We are so easily deceived by the subtleness of the enemy. We justify wrong things into being right and we ignore the nudging of the Spirit if it counteracts our will's command.

The only person who fought sin's calling and did it well is Jesus. In fact, he did it perfectly. Sometimes we belittle how amazing that is because in our mind we erroneously say "well...he is God after all". True, He is God, but when he lived in the flesh...He was one hundred percent human facing all the temptations that are common to us. He was like Adam in that he didn't have the sin nature, but he kept himself from sin even when the enemy blatantly challenged him after his 40-day fast. It is the most incredible thing to realize that Jesus faced like-temptations and succeeded in honoring His Father in the midst of them.

God, focus my heart. Let my will that stands up with its list of “rights” sit back down and be silenced. Thank you for providing us freedom from the hold sin has on us. Teach me how to walk in that freedom. Teach me how to commune with You the way Jesus did. I long to walk alone with you and hear Your voice.

January 19, 2011

My heart is heavy tonight. I feel sad and broken. I will leave it at that.

God, You are my comforter and I need comfort tonight. The tears keep coming no matter how hard I try to suppress them. Bring peace where there is such sadness. You alone can lift me. You alone are my answer. It is so hard to grasp those things when I feel so alone. I trust in You and that You work all things together for good. You are my rock and I am trying to stand on You and not the murkey clay I am sinking in. The depth of what I feel far outweighs the catalyst that started the chain reaction of sadness. There is a wounded place that has not healed and when someone you love pushes that bruised place, the heart seems to break all over again.

God thank you that You not only heal physical needs but you heal emotional ones. Thank you for your massive love for me and how you never allow me to go through more than I am able. I love You and I give myself to You right where I am.

January 18, 2011

What to do...what to do. I have so much to do and no desire to do them. I am so tired. But..must get on with it anyway. Suppose to meet with a good friend for Bible Study tomorrow. I am going to take her through James and I am looking forward to it. Never did this before so am fully aware of my inadequacies, but am trusting that God will lead us both. I need to do some preparation which is the part I look forward to. I also need to get ready for my trip to California. To top it off...my house is a mess. From one end to the other is in disarray. I really don't do well with that. I like things clean and in order. It distracts me. But....have to prioritize. Liz made a fantastic dinner and Carol and I cleaned up. Now the family is out in the dining room playing games which is where I'd really like to be. It is hard because I love to play games. Not crazy about long strategy games, but they are trying a new one that sounds fun. Must focus...

My son and his wife are trying to train Josiah to go to bed and go to sleep without being held. Oh my gosh..right thing to do but breaks my heart. I can hear him in there crying. I want to put on my super grammy cape and race in there, pick him up and cuddle him until he falls asleep. I know I can't do that, but oh do I want to. I hate to hear that precious baby cry. Little man..how your grammy loves you and wants to take care of you. Your parents are doing the right thing baby. They really are. Just close your sweet little eyes and let the dreams commence. It is okay. There will be more time tomorrow to play and be loved on. Don't be so sad. You are not alone. I am here. I hear you. Mommy and Daddy are here and they love you so much. They are doing this for you. Sounds ridiculous I know...but they really are. More importantly ...God is there with you. He looks over you in ways you can't imagine. His love is perfect. One day you will learn about God. I can't wait until we can talk about who He is and how much He has taken care of our family over the years. You will be amazed when you hear of God's faithfulness. One day soon...little man...you and Grammy will speak of the goodness of the Lord together. But for now..go to sleep J-man. Just close your eyes and rest. I love you!

January 17, 2011

Even though my son's birthday was the 3rd of January, we just celebrated it on Saturday with friends and family. He is now 31 and it is so hard to believe as time has passed very quickly. Up until the time of my divorce from his father, Brian was a happy go-lucky kind of kid. He was full of energy and had so much to say. He loved the Lord from a very young age. I never understood why he was so captured by the things of God at the time but it proved to be the strength that got him through the tough years after my divorce. Brian is an amazing man. Oh he has faults to be sure, but he is such a strong man of integrity. His passion for serving God is inspiring and his unwavering faith in God's character and love for him is steady and rock solid. I have always admired those things in him. Brian loves deeply and unconditionally. He has compassion for the lost and a heart to reach the poor and needy. He is a loving husband to his beautiful wife, Liz, and an amazing father of little J-man. Even when hard times fall and circumstances are far from what he dreamed or hoped for, he presses on. . . most of the time with a smile on his face and contentment in his heart. I love my son and am so proud to be his mom.

This weekend was a wet, cold and dreary kind of weekend in terms of weather. One of those times, you just really want to crawl in front of a warm fireplace reading a good book. For me, it was hard to be motivated to do anything. I had so much on my plate I needed to do but I simply squeaked by on the bare minimum of what had to be done to get by. Motivation was hibernating those two days and I'm not sure it has yet raised itself from the slumbering sleep it has enjoyed. I guess I just feel kind of blah. Not sure why, but I feel a little yucky. Perhaps it is because of what I have been eating and lack of exercise. Who knows. I just feel lethargic physically, emotionally and spiritually. I definitely need a shot of energy!

So, Lord, may I be energized as I focus on you today. May motivation to serve You wholeheartedly arise out of its slumber and take me to new places with You. Help me put off all laziness and trade it for a desire to walk on the paths You have ordained for me.

January 14, 2011

So...I missed another day. I was so exhausted last night that I fell asleep super early. I wasn't feeling great either...allergies are not fun. Today was a better day. Good day at work, no more sneezing fifty times in a thirty minute time span and dinner with my good buddy Kathleen.

An unlikely person at work sent me a little devotional at work today. It was like somebody else put into words exactly what I have been trying to say in my blogging but in such a succinct way. Here is a portion of it:

During Jesus' life-time, people had assumptions about how a relationship with God worked. They believed that by measuring up to a set of standards they could be sure of their relationship with God. These assumptions had been around a long time (Matthew 5:21). Folks centered their activities, institutions, and lives on this understanding that knowing God was about keeping the rules. They believed they had set high marks. They did not murder (v. 21), did not commit adultery (v. 27), divorced properly (v. 31), told the truth when they took an oath (v. 33), took appropriate revenge (v. 38), and loved those who were close (v. 43). As long as they did these things, they could rest in the idea that God was okay with them.

Jesus ran His fingernails across the chalkboard of their lives. Their standards were way too low. Anger is just as bad as murder, our thoughts matter, marriage is for life, our word should be our bond, forgiveness beats revenge, and love should be extended to all. They were shocked. With standards this high, how could they be sure of their relationship with God? They were right! Using their report-card system, they could never be sure of where they stood with God.

If our relationship with God consists only of trying to measure up, we are missing out. God does not want to be reduced to a check-list or a set of tasks. He wants our hearts. He wants to know us (Matthew 7:21-23).

Lord, don't ever let me reduce my life down to a set of checklists ever again. Let me not live a life satisfied to just get by. I want to take to heart what love, forgiveness and surrender really look like from your point of view. Change me. Help me learn to actively live a surrendered life.

January 12, 2010

So yesterday is another day that is a bit of a blurr. I know I got up, made it to work, came home, ate dinner and ended up in bed. I never did my reading and I skipped blogging. I was so exhausted and felt emotionally drained. Wish I knew why, but I am clueless. Just one of those days you X off the calendar as a day gone by. Today was better in that I at least remember the day. Got a lot done at work and then Carol and I worked together and made homemade tortillas for dinner. They were really good. Now, I am just chilling before loving on my grandson and doing a little bit of work. My eyes are tired and I would love to just go to bed. It isn't even seven yet and I'm ready for bed. Sad I know.

Read an email today that spoke about intense focus on Jesus this year. I guess that is what I am already trying to do but have not had much success. I think daily about Him as I read His word and write my blog. It feels more like a mental exercise than a spiritual journey at this point. Not that I need huge emotional responses by any means as that is not the measure of success, but I do wish that I felt something once in awhile. It is hard to be consistent when you get nothing out of the study. Perhaps it is because I am in a section of scripture I have read over and over. It isn't that I haven't had things to ponder or thoughts I haven't thought of before, because I have.

God just help me persevere. Teach me to be still and know that You are God. Let me just rest in You and who You are and not my feelings.

January 10, 2011

Thankfully after taking some meds at work, my headache finally is gone. What a relief. Yesterday is such a blur as I spent most of it sleeping.

Today my reading was in my least favorite part of the Bible. Though I think it is good to understand genealogy, I can't say that I really like reading the long lists of who begat who. I know it holds importance or else God would not have included it in Scripture but it makes for an unenlightening read. It would be so nice if every time I read the Bible, I walked away with a deeper understanding of God's truths. I wish that just opening His Word would magically impart God's heart into mine and that I would simply be transformed in an instant. I know I always want the easy way out, but it seems like it would be simpler if God would just wave a wand and suddenly I would have a deeper understanding of His Word. I want a transformed life but I don't always want to do my part. The world crowds so much of my thoughts and attention that it demands to be noticed. My natural self does not chase after the things of God, but quite the opposite. My renewed mind, however, longs to commune with the Lord in an intimate relationship. It is a daily battle where I let my focus rest. Today was one of those battles and the only thing I know is that once I was blind but now I see!

January 9, 2011

Okay, the sore throat and headache virus has decided to come my way. I was hoping to avoid it as I observed Brian suffering with it, but it had other plans. So..no reading today. I can barely hold my head up or keep my eyes open. So...nothing to blog except complaining about my pain which is not interesting at all. Therefore I shall lay back down and hope for the best tomorow. God, I love you and look forward to seeing how you will continue to teach me Your ways even when I am laying down trying not to move unless I absolutely have to.

January 8, 2011

Today was physically a very hard day. Got up about 6:30 am and began preparing my room for Brian, Liz and J-man to move in. About 10:00 I had to run to work because I was moving into a different building there this weekend. As soon as all was in place, I headed to Bri's apartment to help move him out and clean. We got finished about 4:30 pm. Not only am I exhausted but I am in so much pain. I really do grow weary of having a bad back and a foot that seems to refuse to heal from surgery. Now, I just ache all over. Okay..I know..I am whining at this point...but I really do hurt! Okay moving on.

Sitting here listening to Josiah making the cutest baby noises and I can't help but feel blessed. He is the cutest little boy and I am so proud to be his granny. Christian music playing in the background, my son and his wife working on settling in and Carol making a cake for a friend's birthday and I just feel such a sense of peace.

Reading in Genesis is a little difficult. Not becasue it is hard to understand but because I have read it so many times. So many years I have set a goal to read the Bible in a year and I get as far as Leviticus before I fall off the wagon. I want so much to read Scripture and just have an incredible moment of revalation and understanding of God's Word in a fresh way. But, I have to admit it often is an exercise in discipline more than anything. I pray that God's Word will come alive to me in a way I have yet experieinced. My desire to learn and remember truths is pressing. One day at a time.

January 7, 2011

"If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them" is God speaking concerning the Tower of Babel. So, the people of that city who spoke the same language as everyone else in the world at that time, decided for fame sake to build a tower to reach the heavens. That one act caused God to confuse the language and scatter the people. An interesting story in scripture to be sure, but what is really intriguing to me is what did God mean in that one sentence. Speaking the same language and agreeing on the same task equals nothing is impossible?? How does that work and what was God referring to? Could it be if God's people joined in one voice with a single minded purpose (called out by God) worked together....it would not be impossible to consistently succeed? Interesting. But, how in the world would believers from every walk of life ever do that. We all have our own agenda's. We all have our own interpretations of what God is saying. Unity is a missing link in today's Church. Just imagine if for one moment we got off our high horses and our personal soap boxes, bowed down before the King of Kings and listened for His voice and His direction and then collectively obeyed, the world would be turned upside down! May God's people learn to listen and obey. May we lay apathy and self -appointed goals down and walk out the truth of God's Word as He intended it. Bring unity to Your people Lord. Let us look like one people group focused on the One True God so that You might receive at least a portion of the glory due Your name!

January 6, 2011

Reading in Genesis today the count of Noah and the flood. It is interesting how we use that image as a cutesy decoration for many children's bedroom and church nursery's. I must confess, I have loved it too. I am a big animal lover and they are portrayed in such a cute way. But when you read the story, it is anything but cute. It is a story of God's disdain for the mankind he created and how he wiped them off the face of the earth in one swoop. With them, all the animals, unless they won the lottery of making it on the ark. It is a horrible and terrifying image. Such power of devastation. I know that Noah's family couldn't have enjoyed the ride on the ark that had to be stinky and cramped, but at least their life was spared. It is mind boggling to think of the God who is lifted up as sweet love all the time as this God who poured out His wrath on all mankind. It brings a bit of terror to one's heart and puts into perspective that He is in control. I can't help but think if I would have stood and mocked Noah for building that ark. I'd like to think that I would be begging him to let me help and to let me enter the ark with him, but I'd probably be one of the bodies floating in the waters. How I want to have a heart like Noah's. A heart that will follow God's leading even if I look ridiculous in the doing. A heart that is bent on hearing God's voice and obeying. I long to walk out the righteousness Christ has adorned me with. God...let it be so.

January 4, 2011

Today has left me with a sense of sadness. I heard that the Robertsons, whom I know, but not well, lost their eleven year old son to cancer today. These are people who serve the Lord so sacrificially on the mission field and who walked this journey with their son with such grace. Though I am not close to them, I can't seem to help feeling sad for them. In my sense of justice, no parent should have to bury their child. The pain is so horrendous and I have no clue how you ever get past it. One of my biggest fears has always been one of my children dying before me. I just dont' think I could endure that. I remember when Carol was suffering and I thought I was going to lose her, I begged God not to take her, even though she wanted to go home because she was so weary of suffering. I did come to terms with the possibility as best I could so if God did take her, I knew I would be okay. Thankfully, God spared her and totally healed everything! An amazing story for another day. Today I was reminded of how close I came to being a parent who had to bury their child and my heart just broke for the Robertsons. So with a heavy heart for this dear family I do pray that God's presence be felt in a tangible way that they might feel the peace that only He can bring.

On a different note that seems so miniscule when compared to what I already wrote...it was also a frustrating day at work. I do not understand how some people in upper management can blow smoke and make statements that are so far off base to the point that others over them make decisions based on those things. The lack of integrity in the work force combined with the evilness of office politics just drives me nuts. I have really had the wind knocked out of my sails for several months now and I just can't seem to recover. I want to because I want to do all things in excellence, but it is so hard when things seem so futile.

This dying to self walk I am on is so difficult on days like today. It is so hard to lay down entitlement and a sense of "my rights" when you feel like you are just wronged on so many fronts. The more I meditate on surrender, the more my flesh arises as though from a dead sleep ready to take on the world. God take control..do what only You can do.

In my reading today in Genesis, it says "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it." It almost personifies sin as someone sitting at your door who desries to take control of you. How easy it is to fall into sin. We can master it because Christ paid the penatly, releasing the hold sin has on us. So, why is it still such a threat as though it is sitting and watching for opportunity to encompass us? How do I take to heart and let the truth of God's payment for my sin wash over me?? Sin no longer has to have a hold on me. I may hold on to it, but it cannot control me. Application of this is a challenge each day. More of You God..and less of me. When that happens, sin will be less and less enticing!

January 3, 2011

Day three of 2011 was a good day in that it is the day, we celebrate my son's 31st birthday. Hard to believe I am old enough to have kids in their thirty's! Where did the time go?? My son is an amazing young man. Not perfect by any means but an incredible example of walking in faith. He inspires me on so many levels. I am super proud of him and grateful for the young man God has molded him to be. He has always been special to me. Perhaps it is because he is my only son, but I am sure he would say it is because he is just that awesome!

My surrender to God today has been far from complete. Old habits and ways of being self-absorbed are very hard to die to. I press on, knowing that the journey is one day at a time and tomorrow is a new day to experience.

Reading the account of God creating man is always a fascinating read to me. It is amazing that He created Adam from the dust of the earth and breathed air into him with the full knowledge that Adam would disobey him. He knew that Adam would be the first of many to come whose actions would ultimately lead to Christ's death on the cross. He still chose to do it. Why? He knew the suffering He would endure as the Father separated from His only Son and the suffering He would endure as the Son of God. What love must have fueled that decision. It is also a comical read in a loose sense as you see the pointing of fingers in the blame game that haunts the human race. Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent. How many times do I blame others for my sinful responses rather than owning them? The thing I find the most interesting is "And the Lord God said,'The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever'" What does that mean? I find it fascinating. The man became like "one of them". Is it simply in the sense that he recognized good and evil?? So...when they walked in the garden prior to the fall, did they not know about the angels and about how some had already fallen? Did God not warn them about evil lurking in the form of a serpent? If they had eaten from the tree of life right after they sinned, would they not have a need to be banished because they would then live forever? I do not know the answer, but it gives me something to ponder.

January 2, 2011

Yesterday was not a day of huge transformation, but also not a day of horrible failures. It is funny how my brain is so trained with an inner list of do's and dont's and how I naturally take inventory at the end of the day, ultimately giving myself a failing grade. Last night was no different except that I reminded myself that my focus is shifting. I am throwing down the Rhonda-made lists and my question at the end of the day should be simple. Did I love and honor God? Did I surrender control to him that day. Well, sad to say that I failed that list of questioning as well, but I certainly was more cognizant of God's presence in spite of the fact that I didn't' really feel it. The knowing that He is there each moment of each day was at least somewhere in the tangled mess of my brain's thinking.

I have taken this approach before and have never successfully completed it, but have chosen to get back up on that horse and see if I can accomplish reading through my chronological Bible as my choice of study. All the stories do not mesh in my head and I am hoping this will give me a new perspective on the history of God's people and in turn teach me some new things about who God is. The beginning (no pun intended) is the most familiar part. I have read the "Beginning of Creation" many times. I have taught it to my students when I was a teacher. The temptation to skim this is strong, but I am determined to read it in its entirety and pray that something fresh will be revealed.

When reading, a question came to my mind about the angels as they are not mentioned in the Creation story. So, when did God create the angels? I don't remember ever seeing an account of that or having anyone talk about it. The other question that came to mind was.....God having never been created and having always existed...what did He do before He launched His plan of creation? Did He just sit around while the angels worshipped Him? What did He do before the angels were created to worship Him? Not that God has to be entertained..for that is clearly a human fleshly trait..but what did He do. I imagine He is so complete in the Godhead that He didn't have to do anything but live in communion with each other. That begs the question of why did He ever choose to create us? It is a mystery in light of how human kind has total disregard for their Creator. I will see if more comes to light as I press on daily through this chronological discovery. So far, day two of my new direction has given me more questions than answers!

January 1, 2010

The first day of 2011. It feels like most days. Nothing special or different. I made a conscious choice this year to not have any new years resolutions. Not because I don't want to strive to do better this year on the areas I always name and fail at but because it never seems to produce the desired affect. Each year when it comes to a close I have a moment of reflection that comes, usually unsolicited, and I feel guilty over all the things I didn't achieve that year. Thus no "I'm going to lose weight", "I'm going to read my Bible more", "I'm going to get my house organized" and a slew of other goals. It may have taken me 54 years of life, but I have finally learned that I can't do anything with sustainability in my own flesh. I know there are people out there who are driven and can push themselves to do what is good for them by the inner resolve they possess, but I am not one of those people. If I am to have any success in the areas that really matter to me, it is going to be because of the transformation that comes when I love and serve God. The problem has been that I haven't loved and served God as my highest priority. I want to. I think about it. I feel guilt over my lack of doing so. But, true to my lazy flesh's command, it has been easier to live life the way I want to. There is clearly a part of me that wishes God would just zap me into the person He wants me to be so that I can walk a life of holiness wrapped up in serving Him however he wants. Why is that? I guess it is because I always want the easy way. I have had enough hard knocks and painful experiences in my life that I just want it to be easy now. I'm tired and I am weary from the drama life brings. There is a part of me that feels like telling God "I have done my due. You of all know how hard life has been. You know the many hurts and losses I have experienced. When is it my turn to be at rest and simply enjoy the rest of the years I have on this earth?" Even as I write what lies inside my heart, I feel convicted. When I look at pain in this world, the truth is I've suffered very little. There are people everyday being tortured and persecuted for their faith. My problems are minuscule compared to what they face. That isn't to minimize what I have endured over the years from childhood on. There have been some traumatizing years that make it a surprise that I have any sanity left at all. But in the scheme of God's big picture, I have not suffered to the point of justifying my living for self and feeling a sense of entitlement to a trouble free life. No one has. All believers have a call on their life and a plan that was instituted by the Creator of this world. I need to get it in my head that I am not my own. I am a slave to Christ. I am here for His purpose and not my own. He never promised life would be easy nor did he promise that a trouble free life would be what brings joy. The Apostle Paul said it best in Scripture of how he learned to be content in whatever situation he was in. So, my approach this year is not a list of accomplishments I would like to achieve or goals I'd like to strive for. This year I am going to lay everything down. I am going to try one year to do it God's way and not my own. I am not sure what that looks like which is good because then I'd make a list of rules that I would try and follow but would surely break. As best I can, I am coming at this with no pre-conceived notions. All I know is that my way has not worked. I have not been able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and become the person my mind imagines I'd like to be. So, this year is all about a journey. My journey. The only destination I have in mind is dying more to self and learning to live my life with Christ in me as the driving source. There are no carefully laid plans of how to get there and the only road map is God's Word. As best I can, I am laying down all my preconceived Christian notions and just saying God teach me. One day at a time. Here we go!

After time in prayer over the things I wrote above, I asked God to take me to His Word so that this journey can begin. My prayer was one of repentance and laying down of self. I am not a big believer in flipping through the Bible hoping God will direct me to just the right page. I am much more about starting in a book of the Bible and reading through it. But, from time to time, I have had those moments when I just open the Bible and it is like God is speaking directly to me. Today was one of those days. I turned to Lamentations 3 which is a book I have read very little of. I began reading it and could see some similar accusations that I have made on a lot less grander scale of course. Then what jumped out at me was "The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance, therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So, it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of His discipline. let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands. Let them lie face down in the dust for there may be hope at last." I am not at an early age but may I learn to submit to the yoke of His discipline this year.