February 12, 2011

The other day I attended the funeral of a dear friend. She was someone I did not get to see often, but when we were able to connect it was always like we just picked up where we left off. She was an amazing woman who left a legacy of praises to the God she loved so much. It is so strange to think of her being face to face with Jesus now. In some ways, I envy her. I am in no hurry to leave this world as I love my life here, but I do look forward to the day that my faith becomes sight. It will be a wonderful day. Susan had such a quiet, gentle way about her. She was the most sincere and genuine person. Her life impacted so many as she was the principle of a Christian Academy. To know her was to love her. She exemplified a surrendered life that I so long to emulate. I still can't believe she is gone. When things like this happen, you can't help but look at your own life and examine where you are. I am just not certain that a dedicated life to Christ should be this difficult. By difficult I am referring to my ability to let go of control and simply follow His direction. Some people,like Susan, made it look so easy. I know I am stubborn and given to the desire of being in control, but my heart longs to yield to the One who lives inside of me. When will that longing be manifested? God..You above all know my heart. Search me and see what wicked ways are in me. Bring purification where I have allowed grayness, bring holiness where I have allowed selfishness, and bring freedom where I have lived in bondage.

February 11, 2011

It has been awhile since I have written in my blog. The way my life is structured right now has made it a little more difficult to be consistent...or is that just another one of many excuses that come far too easily. I guess the truth is that I have not stayed focused on anything. My life feels a little scattered and disjointed at the moment and to top it off..lack of consistency is one of my biggest flaws. My quest for yielding my life to God in a revolutionary way has been slow at best. You don't realize how much life is wrapped up in your own fleshly desires and pursuits until you are faced with laying them down. I am just not content to live the typical christian life. I know God has so much more for us than what we Westerners could ever imagine. His plans are greater and His purpose more fulfilling. Yet settling seems to be my religion of choice. I sit on that splintering fence contemplating if I really want to plant my feet in that new field that is filled with uncertainties and possible sacrifices. The callouses on my behind from lack of movement are starting to get uncomfortable. But, there I sit. God...where I lack desire, please stir it up, where I lack discipline, please bring it swiftly but gently and where I lack love , saturate me with true knowledge of your love for me.