February 12, 2011

The other day I attended the funeral of a dear friend. She was someone I did not get to see often, but when we were able to connect it was always like we just picked up where we left off. She was an amazing woman who left a legacy of praises to the God she loved so much. It is so strange to think of her being face to face with Jesus now. In some ways, I envy her. I am in no hurry to leave this world as I love my life here, but I do look forward to the day that my faith becomes sight. It will be a wonderful day. Susan had such a quiet, gentle way about her. She was the most sincere and genuine person. Her life impacted so many as she was the principle of a Christian Academy. To know her was to love her. She exemplified a surrendered life that I so long to emulate. I still can't believe she is gone. When things like this happen, you can't help but look at your own life and examine where you are. I am just not certain that a dedicated life to Christ should be this difficult. By difficult I am referring to my ability to let go of control and simply follow His direction. Some people,like Susan, made it look so easy. I know I am stubborn and given to the desire of being in control, but my heart longs to yield to the One who lives inside of me. When will that longing be manifested? God..You above all know my heart. Search me and see what wicked ways are in me. Bring purification where I have allowed grayness, bring holiness where I have allowed selfishness, and bring freedom where I have lived in bondage.

February 11, 2011

It has been awhile since I have written in my blog. The way my life is structured right now has made it a little more difficult to be consistent...or is that just another one of many excuses that come far too easily. I guess the truth is that I have not stayed focused on anything. My life feels a little scattered and disjointed at the moment and to top it off..lack of consistency is one of my biggest flaws. My quest for yielding my life to God in a revolutionary way has been slow at best. You don't realize how much life is wrapped up in your own fleshly desires and pursuits until you are faced with laying them down. I am just not content to live the typical christian life. I know God has so much more for us than what we Westerners could ever imagine. His plans are greater and His purpose more fulfilling. Yet settling seems to be my religion of choice. I sit on that splintering fence contemplating if I really want to plant my feet in that new field that is filled with uncertainties and possible sacrifices. The callouses on my behind from lack of movement are starting to get uncomfortable. But, there I sit. God...where I lack desire, please stir it up, where I lack discipline, please bring it swiftly but gently and where I lack love , saturate me with true knowledge of your love for me.

January 25, 2011

Ever have a tough day and you just don't know why? That was the kind of the day I have had. No reason to whine and complain, yet I feel so discontent. Some of it is discontentment with myself and how I don't always like what I see when I take a hard look at myself. There are things I'd like to change about myself but change is so slow to come. Dying to self seems like an impossible dream that will always be just out of reach.

God...I'm so tired. I need You. Take control.

January 24, 2011

What a difference a little break from walking in reality does for you. Went to California for four days with no access to internet so I couldn't write in my blog and I couldn't check work emails. It actually allowed me some time to just not think about work and personal stresses. The very break I needed. Got to focus on the goodness of God and how He works in another part of the world than mine. How we take for granted the beauty of His creation. The mountains and the ocean were both visited on this trip and they were both beautiful. It is amazing how connected I feel to God when I am out in nature like that. I didn't have any grand revelations or anything but I just noticed how easily my mind goes to the things of God when I am outside like that.

I am ready for changes in my spiritual life. As I have been saying from the beginning of this year, I believe this is a year of surrender. A long time coming...I know better than anyone...but I do believe it is happening a bit at a time. God never waves his magic wand over me and...poof...I am changed. It never works that way for me. I have to be engaged in the changing by dying. Hard concept to swallow and even harder to activate.

It is so easy to get caught up in the temporary things of life that steal our time and often our joy. The flesh is like a dry sponge, eager to soak up anything that is contrary to God as though it gives it new purpose. We are so easily deceived by the subtleness of the enemy. We justify wrong things into being right and we ignore the nudging of the Spirit if it counteracts our will's command.

The only person who fought sin's calling and did it well is Jesus. In fact, he did it perfectly. Sometimes we belittle how amazing that is because in our mind we erroneously say "well...he is God after all". True, He is God, but when he lived in the flesh...He was one hundred percent human facing all the temptations that are common to us. He was like Adam in that he didn't have the sin nature, but he kept himself from sin even when the enemy blatantly challenged him after his 40-day fast. It is the most incredible thing to realize that Jesus faced like-temptations and succeeded in honoring His Father in the midst of them.

God, focus my heart. Let my will that stands up with its list of “rights” sit back down and be silenced. Thank you for providing us freedom from the hold sin has on us. Teach me how to walk in that freedom. Teach me how to commune with You the way Jesus did. I long to walk alone with you and hear Your voice.

January 19, 2011

My heart is heavy tonight. I feel sad and broken. I will leave it at that.

God, You are my comforter and I need comfort tonight. The tears keep coming no matter how hard I try to suppress them. Bring peace where there is such sadness. You alone can lift me. You alone are my answer. It is so hard to grasp those things when I feel so alone. I trust in You and that You work all things together for good. You are my rock and I am trying to stand on You and not the murkey clay I am sinking in. The depth of what I feel far outweighs the catalyst that started the chain reaction of sadness. There is a wounded place that has not healed and when someone you love pushes that bruised place, the heart seems to break all over again.

God thank you that You not only heal physical needs but you heal emotional ones. Thank you for your massive love for me and how you never allow me to go through more than I am able. I love You and I give myself to You right where I am.

January 18, 2011

What to do...what to do. I have so much to do and no desire to do them. I am so tired. But..must get on with it anyway. Suppose to meet with a good friend for Bible Study tomorrow. I am going to take her through James and I am looking forward to it. Never did this before so am fully aware of my inadequacies, but am trusting that God will lead us both. I need to do some preparation which is the part I look forward to. I also need to get ready for my trip to California. To top it off...my house is a mess. From one end to the other is in disarray. I really don't do well with that. I like things clean and in order. It distracts me. But....have to prioritize. Liz made a fantastic dinner and Carol and I cleaned up. Now the family is out in the dining room playing games which is where I'd really like to be. It is hard because I love to play games. Not crazy about long strategy games, but they are trying a new one that sounds fun. Must focus...

My son and his wife are trying to train Josiah to go to bed and go to sleep without being held. Oh my gosh..right thing to do but breaks my heart. I can hear him in there crying. I want to put on my super grammy cape and race in there, pick him up and cuddle him until he falls asleep. I know I can't do that, but oh do I want to. I hate to hear that precious baby cry. Little man..how your grammy loves you and wants to take care of you. Your parents are doing the right thing baby. They really are. Just close your sweet little eyes and let the dreams commence. It is okay. There will be more time tomorrow to play and be loved on. Don't be so sad. You are not alone. I am here. I hear you. Mommy and Daddy are here and they love you so much. They are doing this for you. Sounds ridiculous I know...but they really are. More importantly ...God is there with you. He looks over you in ways you can't imagine. His love is perfect. One day you will learn about God. I can't wait until we can talk about who He is and how much He has taken care of our family over the years. You will be amazed when you hear of God's faithfulness. One day soon...little man...you and Grammy will speak of the goodness of the Lord together. But for now..go to sleep J-man. Just close your eyes and rest. I love you!

January 17, 2011

Even though my son's birthday was the 3rd of January, we just celebrated it on Saturday with friends and family. He is now 31 and it is so hard to believe as time has passed very quickly. Up until the time of my divorce from his father, Brian was a happy go-lucky kind of kid. He was full of energy and had so much to say. He loved the Lord from a very young age. I never understood why he was so captured by the things of God at the time but it proved to be the strength that got him through the tough years after my divorce. Brian is an amazing man. Oh he has faults to be sure, but he is such a strong man of integrity. His passion for serving God is inspiring and his unwavering faith in God's character and love for him is steady and rock solid. I have always admired those things in him. Brian loves deeply and unconditionally. He has compassion for the lost and a heart to reach the poor and needy. He is a loving husband to his beautiful wife, Liz, and an amazing father of little J-man. Even when hard times fall and circumstances are far from what he dreamed or hoped for, he presses on. . . most of the time with a smile on his face and contentment in his heart. I love my son and am so proud to be his mom.

This weekend was a wet, cold and dreary kind of weekend in terms of weather. One of those times, you just really want to crawl in front of a warm fireplace reading a good book. For me, it was hard to be motivated to do anything. I had so much on my plate I needed to do but I simply squeaked by on the bare minimum of what had to be done to get by. Motivation was hibernating those two days and I'm not sure it has yet raised itself from the slumbering sleep it has enjoyed. I guess I just feel kind of blah. Not sure why, but I feel a little yucky. Perhaps it is because of what I have been eating and lack of exercise. Who knows. I just feel lethargic physically, emotionally and spiritually. I definitely need a shot of energy!

So, Lord, may I be energized as I focus on you today. May motivation to serve You wholeheartedly arise out of its slumber and take me to new places with You. Help me put off all laziness and trade it for a desire to walk on the paths You have ordained for me.