One’s lifetime is filled with a variety of storms sandwiched between seasons of peace and tranquility. Whether the storm is a simple nagging drizzle or a freezing snow storm leaving you trapped with seemingly no way of escape, the truth remains the same. Our God, the great orchestrator of our human existence, never leaves His throne and always does what is right and for our good. Though clearly I have not always faithfully believed that truth, I know it has always lurked below the surface waiting to spring forth when my heart dared to look past life’s experiences into the heart of God.

Being hurt is synonymous to being human. You can’t have one without the other. Why? Simple answer…we live in a fallen world. Sometimes you can anticipate the storm coming because you see the clouds forming and you hear the distant thunder. But, even then, the severity of it can still alarm you and take you by surprise. God’s word is true when it says that it rains on the just and the unjust alike. The root cause of that rain can also come from the just and the unjust alike. But here is the rest of that story. Two words…But God! Now for some those words will mean nothing and that’s okay. But for me, it means everything. It means that despite whatever storms I have walked through, I am currently walking through or will ever walk through, there is always and will always be a “But God!” Those two words are more than just an umbrella I hold over my head; they are the cleft in which I crawl into because in that, lies my only safety.

February 12, 2011

The other day I attended the funeral of a dear friend. She was someone I did not get to see often, but when we were able to connect it was always like we just picked up where we left off. She was an amazing woman who left a legacy of praises to the God she loved so much. It is so strange to think of her being face to face with Jesus now. In some ways, I envy her. I am in no hurry to leave this world as I love my life here, but I do look forward to the day that my faith becomes sight. It will be a wonderful day. Susan had such a quiet, gentle way about her. She was the most sincere and genuine person. Her life impacted so many as she was the principle of a Christian Academy. To know her was to love her. She exemplified a surrendered life that I so long to emulate. I still can't believe she is gone. When things like this happen, you can't help but look at your own life and examine where you are. I am just not certain that a dedicated life to Christ should be this difficult. By difficult I am referring to my ability to let go of control and simply follow His direction. Some people,like Susan, made it look so easy. I know I am stubborn and given to the desire of being in control, but my heart longs to yield to the One who lives inside of me. When will that longing be manifested? God..You above all know my heart. Search me and see what wicked ways are in me. Bring purification where I have allowed grayness, bring holiness where I have allowed selfishness, and bring freedom where I have lived in bondage.

February 11, 2011

It has been awhile since I have written in my blog. The way my life is structured right now has made it a little more difficult to be consistent...or is that just another one of many excuses that come far too easily. I guess the truth is that I have not stayed focused on anything. My life feels a little scattered and disjointed at the moment and to top it off..lack of consistency is one of my biggest flaws. My quest for yielding my life to God in a revolutionary way has been slow at best. You don't realize how much life is wrapped up in your own fleshly desires and pursuits until you are faced with laying them down. I am just not content to live the typical christian life. I know God has so much more for us than what we Westerners could ever imagine. His plans are greater and His purpose more fulfilling. Yet settling seems to be my religion of choice. I sit on that splintering fence contemplating if I really want to plant my feet in that new field that is filled with uncertainties and possible sacrifices. The callouses on my behind from lack of movement are starting to get uncomfortable. But, there I sit. God...where I lack desire, please stir it up, where I lack discipline, please bring it swiftly but gently and where I lack love , saturate me with true knowledge of your love for me.

January 25, 2011

Ever have a tough day and you just don't know why? That was the kind of the day I have had. No reason to whine and complain, yet I feel so discontent. Some of it is discontentment with myself and how I don't always like what I see when I take a hard look at myself. There are things I'd like to change about myself but change is so slow to come. Dying to self seems like an impossible dream that will always be just out of reach.

God...I'm so tired. I need You. Take control.

January 24, 2011

What a difference a little break from walking in reality does for you. Went to California for four days with no access to internet so I couldn't write in my blog and I couldn't check work emails. It actually allowed me some time to just not think about work and personal stresses. The very break I needed. Got to focus on the goodness of God and how He works in another part of the world than mine. How we take for granted the beauty of His creation. The mountains and the ocean were both visited on this trip and they were both beautiful. It is amazing how connected I feel to God when I am out in nature like that. I didn't have any grand revelations or anything but I just noticed how easily my mind goes to the things of God when I am outside like that.

I am ready for changes in my spiritual life. As I have been saying from the beginning of this year, I believe this is a year of surrender. A long time coming...I know better than anyone...but I do believe it is happening a bit at a time. God never waves his magic wand over me and...poof...I am changed. It never works that way for me. I have to be engaged in the changing by dying. Hard concept to swallow and even harder to activate.

It is so easy to get caught up in the temporary things of life that steal our time and often our joy. The flesh is like a dry sponge, eager to soak up anything that is contrary to God as though it gives it new purpose. We are so easily deceived by the subtleness of the enemy. We justify wrong things into being right and we ignore the nudging of the Spirit if it counteracts our will's command.

The only person who fought sin's calling and did it well is Jesus. In fact, he did it perfectly. Sometimes we belittle how amazing that is because in our mind we erroneously say "well...he is God after all". True, He is God, but when he lived in the flesh...He was one hundred percent human facing all the temptations that are common to us. He was like Adam in that he didn't have the sin nature, but he kept himself from sin even when the enemy blatantly challenged him after his 40-day fast. It is the most incredible thing to realize that Jesus faced like-temptations and succeeded in honoring His Father in the midst of them.

God, focus my heart. Let my will that stands up with its list of “rights” sit back down and be silenced. Thank you for providing us freedom from the hold sin has on us. Teach me how to walk in that freedom. Teach me how to commune with You the way Jesus did. I long to walk alone with you and hear Your voice.

January 19, 2011

My heart is heavy tonight. I feel sad and broken. I will leave it at that.

God, You are my comforter and I need comfort tonight. The tears keep coming no matter how hard I try to suppress them. Bring peace where there is such sadness. You alone can lift me. You alone are my answer. It is so hard to grasp those things when I feel so alone. I trust in You and that You work all things together for good. You are my rock and I am trying to stand on You and not the murkey clay I am sinking in. The depth of what I feel far outweighs the catalyst that started the chain reaction of sadness. There is a wounded place that has not healed and when someone you love pushes that bruised place, the heart seems to break all over again.

God thank you that You not only heal physical needs but you heal emotional ones. Thank you for your massive love for me and how you never allow me to go through more than I am able. I love You and I give myself to You right where I am.