What to do...what to do. I have so much to do and no desire to do them. I am so tired. But..must get on with it anyway. Suppose to meet with a good friend for Bible Study tomorrow. I am going to take her through James and I am looking forward to it. Never did this before so am fully aware of my inadequacies, but am trusting that God will lead us both. I need to do some preparation which is the part I look forward to. I also need to get ready for my trip to California. To top it off...my house is a mess. From one end to the other is in disarray. I really don't do well with that. I like things clean and in order. It distracts me. But....have to prioritize. Liz made a fantastic dinner and Carol and I cleaned up. Now the family is out in the dining room playing games which is where I'd really like to be. It is hard because I love to play games. Not crazy about long strategy games, but they are trying a new one that sounds fun. Must focus...
My son and his wife are trying to train Josiah to go to bed and go to sleep without being held. Oh my gosh..right thing to do but breaks my heart. I can hear him in there crying. I want to put on my super grammy cape and race in there, pick him up and cuddle him until he falls asleep. I know I can't do that, but oh do I want to. I hate to hear that precious baby cry. Little man..how your grammy loves you and wants to take care of you. Your parents are doing the right thing baby. They really are. Just close your sweet little eyes and let the dreams commence. It is okay. There will be more time tomorrow to play and be loved on. Don't be so sad. You are not alone. I am here. I hear you. Mommy and Daddy are here and they love you so much. They are doing this for you. Sounds ridiculous I know...but they really are. More importantly ...God is there with you. He looks over you in ways you can't imagine. His love is perfect. One day you will learn about God. I can't wait until we can talk about who He is and how much He has taken care of our family over the years. You will be amazed when you hear of God's faithfulness. One day soon...little man...you and Grammy will speak of the goodness of the Lord together. But for now..go to sleep J-man. Just close your eyes and rest. I love you!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
January 17, 2011
Even though my son's birthday was the 3rd of January, we just celebrated it on Saturday with friends and family. He is now 31 and it is so hard to believe as time has passed very quickly. Up until the time of my divorce from his father, Brian was a happy go-lucky kind of kid. He was full of energy and had so much to say. He loved the Lord from a very young age. I never understood why he was so captured by the things of God at the time but it proved to be the strength that got him through the tough years after my divorce. Brian is an amazing man. Oh he has faults to be sure, but he is such a strong man of integrity. His passion for serving God is inspiring and his unwavering faith in God's character and love for him is steady and rock solid. I have always admired those things in him. Brian loves deeply and unconditionally. He has compassion for the lost and a heart to reach the poor and needy. He is a loving husband to his beautiful wife, Liz, and an amazing father of little J-man. Even when hard times fall and circumstances are far from what he dreamed or hoped for, he presses on. . . most of the time with a smile on his face and contentment in his heart. I love my son and am so proud to be his mom.
This weekend was a wet, cold and dreary kind of weekend in terms of weather. One of those times, you just really want to crawl in front of a warm fireplace reading a good book. For me, it was hard to be motivated to do anything. I had so much on my plate I needed to do but I simply squeaked by on the bare minimum of what had to be done to get by. Motivation was hibernating those two days and I'm not sure it has yet raised itself from the slumbering sleep it has enjoyed. I guess I just feel kind of blah. Not sure why, but I feel a little yucky. Perhaps it is because of what I have been eating and lack of exercise. Who knows. I just feel lethargic physically, emotionally and spiritually. I definitely need a shot of energy!
So, Lord, may I be energized as I focus on you today. May motivation to serve You wholeheartedly arise out of its slumber and take me to new places with You. Help me put off all laziness and trade it for a desire to walk on the paths You have ordained for me.
This weekend was a wet, cold and dreary kind of weekend in terms of weather. One of those times, you just really want to crawl in front of a warm fireplace reading a good book. For me, it was hard to be motivated to do anything. I had so much on my plate I needed to do but I simply squeaked by on the bare minimum of what had to be done to get by. Motivation was hibernating those two days and I'm not sure it has yet raised itself from the slumbering sleep it has enjoyed. I guess I just feel kind of blah. Not sure why, but I feel a little yucky. Perhaps it is because of what I have been eating and lack of exercise. Who knows. I just feel lethargic physically, emotionally and spiritually. I definitely need a shot of energy!
So, Lord, may I be energized as I focus on you today. May motivation to serve You wholeheartedly arise out of its slumber and take me to new places with You. Help me put off all laziness and trade it for a desire to walk on the paths You have ordained for me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
January 14, 2011
So...I missed another day. I was so exhausted last night that I fell asleep super early. I wasn't feeling great either...allergies are not fun. Today was a better day. Good day at work, no more sneezing fifty times in a thirty minute time span and dinner with my good buddy Kathleen.
An unlikely person at work sent me a little devotional at work today. It was like somebody else put into words exactly what I have been trying to say in my blogging but in such a succinct way. Here is a portion of it:
Lord, don't ever let me reduce my life down to a set of checklists ever again. Let me not live a life satisfied to just get by. I want to take to heart what love, forgiveness and surrender really look like from your point of view. Change me. Help me learn to actively live a surrendered life.
An unlikely person at work sent me a little devotional at work today. It was like somebody else put into words exactly what I have been trying to say in my blogging but in such a succinct way. Here is a portion of it:
During Jesus' life-time, people had assumptions about how a relationship with God worked. They believed that by measuring up to a set of standards they could be sure of their relationship with God. These assumptions had been around a long time (Matthew 5:21). Folks centered their activities, institutions, and lives on this understanding that knowing God was about keeping the rules. They believed they had set high marks. They did not murder (v. 21), did not commit adultery (v. 27), divorced properly (v. 31), told the truth when they took an oath (v. 33), took appropriate revenge (v. 38), and loved those who were close (v. 43). As long as they did these things, they could rest in the idea that God was okay with them.
Jesus ran His fingernails across the chalkboard of their lives. Their standards were way too low. Anger is just as bad as murder, our thoughts matter, marriage is for life, our word should be our bond, forgiveness beats revenge, and love should be extended to all. They were shocked. With standards this high, how could they be sure of their relationship with God? They were right! Using their report-card system, they could never be sure of where they stood with God.
If our relationship with God consists only of trying to measure up, we are missing out. God does not want to be reduced to a check-list or a set of tasks. He wants our hearts. He wants to know us (Matthew 7:21-23).
Lord, don't ever let me reduce my life down to a set of checklists ever again. Let me not live a life satisfied to just get by. I want to take to heart what love, forgiveness and surrender really look like from your point of view. Change me. Help me learn to actively live a surrendered life.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
January 12, 2010
So yesterday is another day that is a bit of a blurr. I know I got up, made it to work, came home, ate dinner and ended up in bed. I never did my reading and I skipped blogging. I was so exhausted and felt emotionally drained. Wish I knew why, but I am clueless. Just one of those days you X off the calendar as a day gone by. Today was better in that I at least remember the day. Got a lot done at work and then Carol and I worked together and made homemade tortillas for dinner. They were really good. Now, I am just chilling before loving on my grandson and doing a little bit of work. My eyes are tired and I would love to just go to bed. It isn't even seven yet and I'm ready for bed. Sad I know.
Read an email today that spoke about intense focus on Jesus this year. I guess that is what I am already trying to do but have not had much success. I think daily about Him as I read His word and write my blog. It feels more like a mental exercise than a spiritual journey at this point. Not that I need huge emotional responses by any means as that is not the measure of success, but I do wish that I felt something once in awhile. It is hard to be consistent when you get nothing out of the study. Perhaps it is because I am in a section of scripture I have read over and over. It isn't that I haven't had things to ponder or thoughts I haven't thought of before, because I have.
God just help me persevere. Teach me to be still and know that You are God. Let me just rest in You and who You are and not my feelings.
Read an email today that spoke about intense focus on Jesus this year. I guess that is what I am already trying to do but have not had much success. I think daily about Him as I read His word and write my blog. It feels more like a mental exercise than a spiritual journey at this point. Not that I need huge emotional responses by any means as that is not the measure of success, but I do wish that I felt something once in awhile. It is hard to be consistent when you get nothing out of the study. Perhaps it is because I am in a section of scripture I have read over and over. It isn't that I haven't had things to ponder or thoughts I haven't thought of before, because I have.
God just help me persevere. Teach me to be still and know that You are God. Let me just rest in You and who You are and not my feelings.
Monday, January 10, 2011
January 10, 2011
Thankfully after taking some meds at work, my headache finally is gone. What a relief. Yesterday is such a blur as I spent most of it sleeping.
Today my reading was in my least favorite part of the Bible. Though I think it is good to understand genealogy, I can't say that I really like reading the long lists of who begat who. I know it holds importance or else God would not have included it in Scripture but it makes for an unenlightening read. It would be so nice if every time I read the Bible, I walked away with a deeper understanding of God's truths. I wish that just opening His Word would magically impart God's heart into mine and that I would simply be transformed in an instant. I know I always want the easy way out, but it seems like it would be simpler if God would just wave a wand and suddenly I would have a deeper understanding of His Word. I want a transformed life but I don't always want to do my part. The world crowds so much of my thoughts and attention that it demands to be noticed. My natural self does not chase after the things of God, but quite the opposite. My renewed mind, however, longs to commune with the Lord in an intimate relationship. It is a daily battle where I let my focus rest. Today was one of those battles and the only thing I know is that once I was blind but now I see!
Today my reading was in my least favorite part of the Bible. Though I think it is good to understand genealogy, I can't say that I really like reading the long lists of who begat who. I know it holds importance or else God would not have included it in Scripture but it makes for an unenlightening read. It would be so nice if every time I read the Bible, I walked away with a deeper understanding of God's truths. I wish that just opening His Word would magically impart God's heart into mine and that I would simply be transformed in an instant. I know I always want the easy way out, but it seems like it would be simpler if God would just wave a wand and suddenly I would have a deeper understanding of His Word. I want a transformed life but I don't always want to do my part. The world crowds so much of my thoughts and attention that it demands to be noticed. My natural self does not chase after the things of God, but quite the opposite. My renewed mind, however, longs to commune with the Lord in an intimate relationship. It is a daily battle where I let my focus rest. Today was one of those battles and the only thing I know is that once I was blind but now I see!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
January 9, 2011
Okay, the sore throat and headache virus has decided to come my way. I was hoping to avoid it as I observed Brian suffering with it, but it had other plans. So..no reading today. I can barely hold my head up or keep my eyes open. So...nothing to blog except complaining about my pain which is not interesting at all. Therefore I shall lay back down and hope for the best tomorow. God, I love you and look forward to seeing how you will continue to teach me Your ways even when I am laying down trying not to move unless I absolutely have to.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
January 8, 2011
Today was physically a very hard day. Got up about 6:30 am and began preparing my room for Brian, Liz and J-man to move in. About 10:00 I had to run to work because I was moving into a different building there this weekend. As soon as all was in place, I headed to Bri's apartment to help move him out and clean. We got finished about 4:30 pm. Not only am I exhausted but I am in so much pain. I really do grow weary of having a bad back and a foot that seems to refuse to heal from surgery. Now, I just ache all over. Okay..I know..I am whining at this point...but I really do hurt! Okay moving on.
Sitting here listening to Josiah making the cutest baby noises and I can't help but feel blessed. He is the cutest little boy and I am so proud to be his granny. Christian music playing in the background, my son and his wife working on settling in and Carol making a cake for a friend's birthday and I just feel such a sense of peace.
Reading in Genesis is a little difficult. Not becasue it is hard to understand but because I have read it so many times. So many years I have set a goal to read the Bible in a year and I get as far as Leviticus before I fall off the wagon. I want so much to read Scripture and just have an incredible moment of revalation and understanding of God's Word in a fresh way. But, I have to admit it often is an exercise in discipline more than anything. I pray that God's Word will come alive to me in a way I have yet experieinced. My desire to learn and remember truths is pressing. One day at a time.
Sitting here listening to Josiah making the cutest baby noises and I can't help but feel blessed. He is the cutest little boy and I am so proud to be his granny. Christian music playing in the background, my son and his wife working on settling in and Carol making a cake for a friend's birthday and I just feel such a sense of peace.
Reading in Genesis is a little difficult. Not becasue it is hard to understand but because I have read it so many times. So many years I have set a goal to read the Bible in a year and I get as far as Leviticus before I fall off the wagon. I want so much to read Scripture and just have an incredible moment of revalation and understanding of God's Word in a fresh way. But, I have to admit it often is an exercise in discipline more than anything. I pray that God's Word will come alive to me in a way I have yet experieinced. My desire to learn and remember truths is pressing. One day at a time.
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